Roland Coutanceau, psychiatrist, psychocriminologist,
President of the French Mental Health League
and author of Do you have to be normal? (Michel Lafon), deciphers in three points these painful moments of loneliness.
Another dinner with friends where Hugo, the expansive of the band, gave us a show worthy of a stand up at the Comedy Club. To this day, I still don’t know how he manages to intervene on everything and eat at the same time without choking. My chicken and spice pie should have given us a little respite. Not even !
► What we feel
“All those who systematically cut off others, acting like invaders, have a deficit in the capacity to be interested in others, to think that they can learn something from the other or to be curious about what going on in the other person’s head. What I call the bibicentrism side or the fact of being centered only on oneself, prevails over the pleasure of listening. A need for love, a kind of cry: ‘I exist, love me.’ On the other hand, a mature person finds their balance between the moments when they express themselves and the moments when they are curious about what the other is thinking. They are therefore capable of ‘inhibit his desire to intervene to be in a dimension of exchange. This double polarity builds balance, “explains Roland Coutanceau. Well, it’s official, my boss needs to exist. There’s no way he’s letting me finish a sentence. Never. In a good mood or not.
► What is happening
“I express myself when I have something to say, but I also know how to be in the understanding of the other. never take. The latter are in inhibition, self-devaluation, the problematic opposite of invaders. In the normal subject, there are also expansive moments but which are not systematized. A difference expressed by another or the “intolerance of others irritates and destabilizes. The difference of opinion on a background of circumstantial irritability reflects the difficulty of supporting that the other has an opposite opinion. Decorum would require that we can alternate moments of expression and Listening, but it does not apply to all subjects. Some are more passionate than others. We can then be subject to a vehemence … punctual”, analyzes the psychiatrist. For a successful dinner, I suggest you make a list of all the passionate subjects to avoid on D-Day in advance. François, it’s marriage for everyone, Marie, the guys, Paul, his ex, Victoire, the farmers, Henri, sugar… no comment.
► How to get out
“The expansive subject can always make his circus, if there is no stake, an intervention is, in this case, not necessary. On the contrary, it is advisable to channel the speech cutter. And the best weapon remains humor. Because destabilizing the invader with laughter or ridiculing this permanent need to occupy the front of the stage is a non-confrontational way of putting him in his place. Just like showing intelligence in the framework of a rational reframing. Finally, sending a message tinged with an ounce of aggression also makes it possible to win your case against an invader. An attitude that the good guys never have, “concludes the expert. Ah my mother-in-law and her constant need to occupy all the space… I’m always looking for a non-confrontational way to put her in her place. If you have any ideas… Forget humor, she has none.
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